TSA: are u carrying any firearms or explosives?
Me: *points to crotch* u mean this bomb pussy?
TSA: why do u always do this?
my dance style ranges from white dad at a barbecue to stripper whose rent is due tomorrow
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday cause its the only day of the year where im not the only one stuffing my asshole with bread
one time i was swimming in a spring in florida and everybody started screaming and getting out of the water and i was like haha losers aint nothing in this water and so i climbed up on a rock to sit, but then the rock started moving and thats the story of the time i rode a manatee
OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY Y EYE I JUST MISTOOK ANOTHER STUDENT FOR A TRASH CAN AND THREW MY TRASH AT HER THIS IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF MY LIFE
after i got my wisdom teeth out my mouth was stuffed full of gauze and i basically passed out for hours except we were on the way to my grandfather’s house and we had to drive down the highway of tears and when we arrived my mom called because the police had phoned our house to say that a constructor had reported a man driving an suv with our license plate with a “pale, bloated, lifeless body in the front seat”
i got mistaken for a dead body
they thought my dad was a murderer